Category: Daily Logs
I don’t understand people who wear their mental illness as a badge of some form of weird pride. I mean, I understand feeling different, and being intelligent, and seeing and experiencing things the average person doesn’t necessarily experience. I get very frustrated with my disorder sometimes because I think it gets in my way.
I just don’t generally think of my life or my experiences of it as necessarily that unusual or special, mainly because I don’t have a tendency to necessarily think I’m that special. It’s not that I don’t value myself, as I’ve been getting much better about that through reading Seth. It’s just that I don’t really place myself ‘above’ or in a position as ‘different’ than other people in my mind. I just think we’re all human, and we’re all different.
I also consider this post a bit of a reboot, to fit in line with the remaster, in that I’m wiping the slate clean with what I haven’t posted. This means I won’t feel like I have a giant back log of stuff that I have to get to the screen. What’s ‘lost’ is lost, but I can move forward with more great amazing things!
That’s my journey right now in the physical, intellectual, and spiritual realms. When I’m thinking positively, I want to expand my consciousness, knowledge, and abilities to be as rich as possible. I’ve really tried to start loving myself more, and honestly, it feels much better to just do my own thing than worry about hating myself or doing the right allegedly most efficacious thing.
I’m putting myself down, I’m hating myself so severely I cry and try to stab my leg, I’m taking for granted the fact that nothing comes to me without stopping and thinking that it’s maybe because I’m not asking for anything. I’m floating in a void of self-pity, self-hatred, self-loathing, and thinking my life is cursed because of who I am.
I can’t seem to figure out how to pick up the blogging thing again. I was doing really well for a couple weeks, but then I kind of had some emotional issues and the whole thing died. I don’t want it to die. I’ve experienced that the more you put out there into the world, the more that comes back to you.
To be honest, the classes are good because they make me accomplish things, I have a total commitment to them. But at the same time, because there’s deadlines and such, I feel like I don’t have time. I feel like I’m always losing time.
I want to do things. I want to do amazing things.
I just don’t know what they are.
However, with that in mind, diagnoses of mental illnesses posit that there are common experiences, common hindrances, common complexes that categorize disorders into diagnosable conditions. Mental illness is an objectively measured thing in terms of how it hinders your life. I say this to put forth the idea that just because our experiences aren’t exactly the same, each person’s experience has a common clinical ground that can be discussed.
I’m turning 33 in April, and I have the ability to either learn lessons at random as I have been doing up until now, or to direct my own education. To direct my own abilities with the experiences I have had up till now to form a better picture. A more fulfilling picture. I’ve been preparing for this moment for a lifetime.
I don’t really know what to do, or what I can do to help me feel better. It always seems like I’m just not on top of things, that I don’t really know what to do with my current self, only my past self. My father said I had a blessing and a curse. Unfortunately I feel more curse now than blessing.
This isn’t a post where I’m going insane and writing some crazy thing about a life-threatening problem I’m experiencing right now. This is a post where I’m just putting what I feel sometimes out there, and see if it helps anybody, or if it might help me. I’m in a tough spot, but everybody has tough spots. I doubt I’ll miraculously find the answer on the internet. In fact, I know I won’t ever find the answer on the internet.