Crawling Zombies and Notebooks
So, I went to Zombie Crawl. I didn’t realize the tickets were for free gifts on the crawl and to help a charity. To be honest, I mean, I did like helping the charity, but if I knew they’d let me in without a ticket… I would have thought twice about buying two tickets.
So problem with the suit: Moisture collects on the glasses, fogging them up and making them extremely refractive. By the end of my tour of Zombie Crawl I could hardly see anything at all. I had a really hard time even seeing kids taking and wanting to take a picture. I couldn’t move because I was afraid I’d trample over somebody. Night time is pretty hard to see through those glasses, but add fog and moisture on top of that… impossible.
BUT, I really liked dancing in the crowd and having the kids into it and stuff. I felt a little disappointed when I decided I couldn’t see anymore and had to go. It would’ve been awesome to stay and dance with the kids more. I really would have too… if I could’ve seen.
But that’s okay, we met up with a friend, and in the end of the evening we all played Cards Against Humanity. Fun times, met a few new people, pretty awesome.
I have pictures of my first first partial suit outing, and a TON of pictures of Tour De Fat. I’m going to post those soon (about 3 GB worth), although I don’t know how interesting they’ll be.
So, my mother and I actually finished the fursuit completely. It has a body suit, a tail, boots, and can wear clothes. It’s awesome, I love it, and I love having a fursuit again. I love having a tail again!
At Zombie Crawl this weird guy came up to me and was like, “Have you gone to Rocky Mountain Fur Con?” He was kind of skeezy, SO stereotypically furry. So awkward, I was uncomfortable and I was in a fursuit! I said that I might consider it this year, but that I don’t really go to conventions anymore. I might consider it next year because now I have a fursuit. I might even venture traveling to the Furry thing at the Aqua Lounge, but I have to have somebody come with me because I can imagine seeing would be difficult. The last time I went I had no friends, and no suit, and it… turned out very very badly. Not again!
People have told me that my ideas are creative. They are unique, and things that I’ve made have character (like my artwork and fursuit). Most of my encouragement comes from my partner but it’s hard to listen to him sometimes because he’s close to me. It’d kind of like how a compliment from your Mom doesn’t really count because she’s your Mom. But, I seem to surprise people with a different approach or perspective. My programming classes get notable attention often. My drawing for the lamp was displayed at the Community Creative Center. Maus said it was pretty good, even comparable to the drawing I admired, also hanging next to mine in the gallery. I think that part of the problem when I come to thinking of the worth of my ideas or time, trying to bring myself to do something, is that I don’t have a lot of input that could be encouraging. And part of that is that I don’t have much exposure and a very small social circle. Although, when I wrote those bizarre stories (that shall not be named, for a site that shall not be named) I received thousands of views and lots of likes. Maus said he can’t do that. I guess I have to have empty confidence. Sometimes I think an idea is average, when really people aren’t doing it. When I make my fursuits, they aren’t professional or look sleek, but they are unique and have character. I get a lot of mileage out of carefully thought out simple designs. Every time I tell a concept to someone that I thought was neat they get wide eyed and excited and say that it’s very interesting. I don’t think of average ideas and I think that’s also the problem because I think they have to be amazing and unique in every step or something, that they have to be perfect and awesome, when they don’t. They just have to be good enough, or at least improve-able. But I don’t think I can measure up to my own standards, then I can’t think of anything. I have seen my ideas get praise and interest from other people. I just have to trust that, think of that potential engagement. I am not short on other’s encouragement individually. It felt good when I finished Impossible Things, even though I was having trouble feeling accomplished about anything. I love when I get amazing concepts, like Monster Life, or Howard (my only other fully designed game). When I completed Howard’s design I was pleased and felt like a capable game designer. Like I was in the business, like a productive artist. I also finished that paper doll game for the library, but I was having trouble feeling accomplished, and as usual, no one saw it. Literally, no one saw it. Great ideas come into my mind all the time. I’m not at a loss for unique ideas. Maybe I’d feel better if more people saw what I’m truly capable of. I like all my ideas, so much so that I get content just admiring them inside my head. I’ve been a creative, unique, idea generator since I was, well, forever. I’ve been doing this for twenty years. I am a capable creative person. Things people have said about my creativity? “Ingenious.”
My ideas are worth something.
I look back on myself sometimes, like when I was very little. I wanted to be a game designer so bad. So so bad, and I designed games all the time. I knew since the first time I saw a Nintendo that it was going to be big, and that someday video games would be as big as movies. I was right. Then… adolescence happened, puberty happened, the crushing grind of school happened, and I got interested in a few other things, like furries, my high school club, and programming. Especially programming. I’ve kind of forgotten how badly I wanted to be a game designer. It’s like sometimes the internet drains away everything. You think of something, and then the internet drains it away.
When I was younger I wanted so desperately to be taken seriously so that I could accomplish great things. To be taken seriously as an adult would. But now that I’m an adult, I’m not doing a damn thing that would require being taken seriously. I’m not doing a damn thing. When I was 18, I came up with an idea, and my sister-in-law said to me, “Who’d want to share videos online?”
It’s not that I don’t have time, or opportunity. Even with school, I have time to do things. I’m just not deliberate in doing them. I hold back, I don’t step forward, out of laziness. Out of depression. Sometimes, I just think none of its worth it, and that it’s just better that I can enjoy it in my head without it being ruined. How can my mind be my best haven, and my worst enemy?