Dead in the Water
I understand that in order to have people have any interest in anything you produce you have to offer them something, preferably that they’re not getting somewhere else. However, it seems like that no matter what I do on-line, no even in the ‘real world’, everything I put out is ‘dead in the water.’
I was thinking about it today, and I think I lose steam on working on things because it seems like no one cares. That shouldn’t be why I make something, but in a way it encourages me. I think that’s a natural tendency. It seems to be the challenge of my life. When I was eighteen I was telling my sister-in-law about how we could make a site where people would share their videos. She said something to the effect of, “Why would anyone want to share video online?” Yeah. When I was working on the fence I went on and on about this FF6 like virtual world where people could hang out and submit content. My brother asked me the effect of, “Why would anyone want to log into a virtual world like that without a purpose?” Yeah. When I was writing the 101 Dragons, a book about a collection of dragons, their elements, spells, and artifacts with no real plot (and was never finished), my oldest brother asked me, “Who’d want to read a book like that?” Yeah.
I came up with the Happy Underground News Network, wrote a few cool episodes, then reached out to see what people thought about it. I’m not great at aggressively pursuing my own ideas, hence the trouble with fur meets. I kinda think, if it’s a good idea people will like it and do it. Yet, when I went to Kevin’s to talk about it, all he could do was show me some other guy’s movie script and YouTube videos. Everybody always has something else to do in my life.
I’m not saying that I came up with great ideas and people stopped me. No! No one ever really stopped me. I stopped myself. I guess I just have it in my head that I need other people’s help and support, when in reality it’s really all up to me. Yesterday I tried to write something on Simple Quest with Maus when he was writing for his comic, and I couldn’t come up with a single thing (much like the previous week.) I realized that when it comes down to it, I think I have this idea that if people help me that things will just make themselves. Not so.
I guess it’s just this elusive hump I have to get over. I can’t come up with anything for Simple Quest because I don’t think I really care myself. I think I want to be a game designer, a story teller, but in reality, maybe I just think I want to be those things. Nothing comes naturally to me except programming computers, and that’s not really that glamorous. Maus says I cut myself short, that my fursuit character creations alone show I have talent and personality. I don’t know.
When I was in high school (14 years ago) I was fairly popular in my own quirky way. I had strange ideas, and yes, like now many of them never came to fruition, but people liked them. I miss that because I don’t have that in my life anymore. I have very few friends because I lack the ability to introduce myself to people I don’t know unless I have a specific context and have to. In some ways, I also have few friends because I have trouble keeping them for a long time. As dysfunctional as it sounds, that’s perhaps the biggest force behind my fursuiting… when I can be something bigger than myself I don’t have a problem. When I have absolute control over who and what I am, and can ‘hide’ behind that, I’m okay. I’m an introverted performer.
Maus says I come up with brilliant ideas all the time, its just that I never do anything about them. But why should I? I bemoan the complete lack of anything substantial in my life, but then I don’t do anything about it. I’m frustrated because my frustration gets in my way of having something to not be frustrated about. Yeah. I am a performer, I want to do something that other people will enjoy. I enjoy doing it when other people enjoy it too. When I can instantly put a smile on someone’s face it makes me happy. But what about myself?
I’m just a scattered brained, depressed, crappy little person that says he wants to do things he never actually wants to do. A poser that wants to feel like he’s accomplished something without actually accomplishing it. A slacker who never wants to put in the real work and commitment necessary to create something and instead just fleets over to the next day dream. Then I’m jealous of everyone else.
But I know I’m more than all that. I know I can be more than all that, I have been before. At least I think I have been that before.
I know people don’t care about every internal thought I have, like this post, it doesn’t really offer anybody anything in particular… just lays flat and floats dead in the water. That’s okay, I’m not really writing it so that other people will want to read it. I’m just putting it out there because maybe someone somewhere might read it and relate… There I go again, relying on someone else.
How do I sit down and pull a forceful will out of my ass? My life is in limbo right now, I don’t have anything in particular to work on that I’m excited about or interested in. Not since I was obsessed with my algorithm. I just am, sitting there watching Golden Girls and playing video games. That’s it.
I want a fursuit. I told Maus I need to have a fursuit and he said, “No, you want a fursuit, you don’t need a fursuit.” I don’t know about that, I think I need a fursuit. If I didn’t need it, I wouldn’t make it. I’ve got it in my head that if I had a fursuit life would be better and I’d be able to do what I want. Just more excuses.
Nothing ever seems to lead anywhere. I lay on the couch every night, anxious, trying to think how I can use my strengths to change my life. And I come up with nothing.
Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of success? I don’t feel like I’m afraid of anything. The more I think about it, I don’t think I feel anything at all.
photo credit: Fan.D & Dav.C Photgraphy “L’amour-propre est un ballon gonflé de vent dont il sort des tempêtes quand on y fait une piqûre.” via photopin (license)