Envy and Self-Deprecation
I’m a very envious person. I know I am. It’s one of my vices. But, I’m not envious of other people’s success. I’m envious of other people in general. And I don’t think I’ve ever confronted this issue. I try to compare myself to so many people so many times without even thinking about it. It’s automatic. I get lost in a sea of feedback loops of self abuse. You can’t be envious unless you don’t have what other people have. I tear myself down all the time, it’s become it’s own bit of hell at times. I mean, it’s not like it used to be, three or four years ago, when I actively despised myself so much I threw up. I don’t necessarily think, oh, I’m ugly, or oh, I’m so stupid. ‘Cause I’m not, and I know that. I think I’m incapable.
This especially rears its ugly head when it comes to creativity. That may be part of the problem in getting over my blocks that keep standing in my way. Beyond that though, in day to day life, I STILL think I’m inferior to other people. No matter how far I’ve come I can’t let go the delusion that I’m a deformed little boy. I think; I don’t have personality, I don’t have interests, passions, or hobbies, I don’t have creative spark and inspiration, everything I make is dead in the water, everything I do is boring, nobody’s going to like my game so… why make it?
I used to be envious of other things, and the targets were not always innocuous. I was envious of Kevin’s ability to have a normal life, his capabilities that he was able to wrest control of and act upon, even if his actions, well, blew. Now I’m no longer Kevin’s friend. The last thing I told him was that I envied him. That was the last thing I said to him.
There are myriad reasons why I think I’m smaller than other people, and trust me I’ve thought of ALL of them. From trauma to cognitive distortions in my perceptions of my self, from childhood to adulthood, from friends to foes, from borderline to anxiety.
My first and original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder. And, I think, in some way I do have BPD. Maybe not full blown, but remnants of the emotional dramas and expectations of other people. I think I think about people, their statures, and their relationships differently sometimes. I think I see things as aggressive or powerful, and weak and submissive. I think of relationships as either close or abandoned. My expectations of friends, my desires to not be alone, are unrealistic. I pine for fictional scenarios. I want to be the aggressor, lest I’m always the valueless submissive. Lest I am only the silenced lamb.
I’ve caught myself up in so many delusions of stature, anxiety, and self-deprecation that I can’t think creatively anymore. I think I’m empty, I have no original ideas, I can’t start anything, I can’t finish anything. I have no personality. I wish I could be somebody… but, I’m not. I want to be a real person, and I’ve come close, sometimes I’ve done it… but I have the capability to digress, to become a fake person. My creative process has become one of despairing constantly about my inability to create. It’s the first place my brain goes now, and it’s depressing. It’s anxiety, anxiety that I can never measure up to some unknown standard. I just want it to be “great,” and know little else.
I’m a poser. I talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk. But I can’t walk the walk, everybody’s fursuit is better than mine, everybody’s ability to make games is better than mine, everybody’s bigger than me, everybody has a place and foothold somewhere.
Don’t get me wrong, I recognize these things are not necessarily true. I’m not asking for pity because I feel down on myself, no one has to reassure me that I’m really okay, that it’s just in my head. I KNOW it’s in my head. I know where it is, but I can’t let go of it, I’ll put all my effort in believing it and proving it true through inaction alone. I try to let go of it all the time and it just sticks with me. Envy and self-deprecation. I see other people’s fursuits and want to gouge my eyes out sometimes. I see some of my ideas fleshed out by somebody else and I think, “Oh, if only I wasn’t caught up in a feedback loop of envy and self-deprecation, I could’ve done that.”
I could’ve done that. But I didn’t.