They Say People Come And Go
Wow, I look at my history of my blog and it’s kind of funny. I posted twice in January and now this is my first post in February, and yet, January was the month I got the most traffic ever. Well, here I am again writing an update post. Life has a funny way of meandering along and having you just kind of float along its current taking you from place to place, thought to thought, subject to subject.
Since I’ve last posted I’ve had many worries and tribulations, though all of them are pretty small. I wrote earlier about some of my health issues including the extreme eczema on my foot that started out as Athlete’s Foot and how that had me down and out for a while. Good news though, the foot has stayed cleared up and good. However, my hand eczema is still a bit of a bother.
I saw the dermatologist and she recommended that I apply Clobetasol as needed, and eczema moisturizer when not, and then coat my palms in vaseline and put on cotton gloves every night. I’ve been doing this ever since I saw her, and my hands have really responded well. In fact, I thought I had the issue solved and that my hand eczema wouldn’t come back, but… I was eventually proven incorrect. The dermatologist actually wanted me to get a “lightbox” so I could do phototherapy on my hands, however, there was a bit of an issue. The lightbox people called me about ordering one and told me that normally they retail for like $1000+. Then they told me that they had a deal with Kaiser to sell it for like $670, and that since I had such a high deductible I would end up paying that in full for the lightbox. Also, the handout the dermatologist gave me for the lightbox said that I would have to “load up” dosages on the box with a code from the doctor. Yeah, I’d buy this expensive lightbox only to not be able to control how many times I can turn it off and on. This seemed to me not the best deal, so I declined at the time. Plus, at the time, my hands were completely clear.
Well, fast forward a bit, and the “numb,” “second-skin” feeling on my left index fingertip returns (which is due to eczema). And my skin starts just very thinly lightly peeling at three of the trouble spots I had before. The nightly treatment is working great, I mean, the eczema could be so much worse as it was before, but it just frustrates me that I couldn’t “solve” it with the nightly treatment alone.
To be honest it kind of wigs me out a bit to think I have a chronic condition of anything, it’s the obssessive-compulsive in me. But it looks like, ever since it “attacked” my hands at the end of my antifungal treatment for my foot, the hand eczema is here to stay. It’s weird, it’s like one day my hair became less oily and my hands became prone to eczema. I don’t really get it. On top of it all, my right hand thumbnail is doing this weird possibly fungus-related thing where’s it’s bumpy and growing in strange. *sighs* Of course, that bothers me too, but I’m going to have the nutritionist look at it next time I see her.
That’s news too. I actually see a nutritionist now. She’s given me advice as to some things she thinks can improve in my life, including, you guessed it, exercising some and cutting down on sugars. I know, what a shocker. She also has me taking fish oil, and CBD twice a day. Her and Dr. Shannon, the psychiatrist I see at the same clinic, have put me on a dosage of nystatin which is an internal anti-fungal. I think this is an attempt to combat the eczema, but we’ll see.
I’m not entirely sure where I left off in my saga of mental health, so I thought I’d write here that I’ve been doing pretty well since I dropped off the large dosages of Zyprexa. Dr. Shannon is quite pleased with my progress. As well, I’ve been working with a therapist at Summitstone that I like who writes everything down for me, which is really helpful. She’s also into eye-movement therapy, which I find a bit odd. She had me hold on to these little devices in both hands that alternated buzzing in each hand as I visualized one day. I’m not entirely sure I get the whole process, but it’s interesting.
So, yesterday I made this post to Twitter and Facebook. It kind of sums up how I’m feeling right now about everything. I’m currently applying to retail positions around Fort Collins with the help of Jason in the IPS program from Spirit Crossing/Summitstone and that’s good. In fact, I applied to Barnes and Noble as a Part Time Bookseller, and that’s exciting! I’m hoping it could really work out with Barnes and Noble as I think I’d enjoy being a Part Time Bookseller at one of my favorite stores. I would be really happy if I could get a job I like in retail, but it frustrates me a bit because I feel like I’m not “living up to my full potential.”
I’d be a programmer, software engineer, what have you… but I get so anxious about everything (I have a disorder) I can hardly get through a job description. I’ve been programming my whole life, even worked professionally! Now I’m just looking for retail work… is this my life?
I mean I’m not knocking retail, but to have a foundation of skills I have, but work part time as an associate just doesn’t seem *my* best life. I wish I could leverage what I know in the right environment with supportive people and make a more appropriate salary for my knowledge
I taught myself BASIC on my TRS-80 Color Computer II 16k when I was 7. I love programming, I know it like the back of my hand. I know C#, game dev anyone? Python and R, data analysis/bioinformatics/machine learning anyone? I may not be fully versed in these but I learn fast!
I just wish I could use my auto-didactic knowledge (I unfortunately don’t have a degree) of programming, like data structures, algorithms, design patterns, all that jazziness to make an arguably better living than a sales associate.
Every job description brings back super anxiety I had when I had a really demanding boss as a contractor, and the things I did myself that didn’t help either. I’ve grown from that space quite a bit, but it was two way. I feel if I could be in a supportive environment with supportive colleagues I could really flourish. I specialized in php side of WordPress for a year, fixed people’s sites
It’s so frustrating to feel like I have to hold myself back so that I don’t have a problem, when I theoretically could be doing amazing things. I just don’t know anyone, and feel like nobody would hire me anyway. It’s my poor brain telling me I can’t win. #ProgrammingLife
If anyone knows a place I could fit in as a programmer with anxiety located in Fort Collins CO please give me heads up #programming #anxietydisorder #fortcollinsco #python #php
I call it a bit of a frustra-post. That is, a post from frustration. Like I said, I’d be happy to get a position at Barnes & Noble, that would be awesome. But I sent this out there into the universe cause, I guess, you never know what could happen. My mother said I should explore all my avenues, so, I guess that’s kind of what I’m doing. I also posted this today:
I applied for a part-time position at one of my favorite stores. I’m really hoping something can come of it, that would be awesome to work there. So, let’s keep our fingers crossed!
Since last time I posted I had a bit of a blip on my emotional radar. At one point I was so low. I guess I should explain “low.” Sometimes I get into these bouts of, I guess you could call it depression, where I feel like I’m a completely worthless person who will never accomplish anything or have any impact on anything in his life. There was a trigger to it, but I’ll only reveal part of it because it’s kind of personal. It’s hard for me to not look out there in the “otherness of the internet” and think that I have anything to offer anybody. Maus and I were talking about furry artists at one point, and he showed me how a prominent furry artist we’ve known for a long time is currently making $11,000+ a month on Patreon basically drawing porn. I was like, “Seriously?”
It’s not that I think he shouldn’t be making that money, I mean, if he can more power to him! It’s just makes me reflect on myself a bit and say, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” It’s hard sometimes to see people who seem to have figured out how to live their “best” life and not be a little insecure.
However, it’s not like I’m not to blame. I mean, I say I want to do something similar (not exactly porn really, but another kind of information product, like a computer game) but in the end, I’m not producing anything. Well, with no product, there are zero sales. I can’t very well say, oh oh that’s what I want to do, and then expect the same result when I don’t do it.
I just get into awful “spells” though where I stand in my own way on everything. I convince myself that I’m an insignificant worthless piece of detritus, and defeat myself before I even begin. I used to get super angry and frustrated and was a general shit-head for several days when I’d get like this. This last time, I didn’t get angry, I just got depressed and sad. And then I slowly come out of it, at least come out of constantly thinking about ti and feeling like shit.
So, let’s say I’m able to get past that somewhat, then I get super anxious about creating anything I freeze up. And then, I don’t make anything and I’m back at square one. I have ideas, sure, but executing them seems to be the hardest thing in the world. Maus says I have a brilliant mind, and that anything I put my mind towards, such as standing in my own way, I’ll do to brilliant results. Aaaagh! Why!?
Maus offered a perspective, and that was that I think too much about everything, and that I can’t tell the future. How can I be so convinced that everything I do is going to amount to nothing when I can’t tell the future? And if I make something or do something convinced of its impending failure, then it will just become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I will fail. My mother offered another perspective. I told her about the furry artist and she said, “Why can’t you do that?” And I said, “I don’t have it in me.” and she replied, “Why not, who says? I think you do.”
However, Dr. Shannon had an alternate perspective: he said that if I’m going to consider the “otherness” of the world, that I should consider the the WHOLE world. He pointed out, in a non-dismissive way, that there are millions of people out there in other countries that would find the things I have in my life amazing. That the rich people in those countries live like the poor people life in our country. This is in an effort to get me to step outside of myself and be thankful and grateful for the things I do have. He said that it’s difficult to be all emotionally congested when you’re in a position of love and gratitude. So, there’s that.
I did finally come out of the spell, and got a really good idea of something I could do. It’s inspired by my tutorials I’ve written so far for the C programming language, which means, I also need to finish the C tutorial series. I kind of got plugged up and stopped when I ended up on that high dosage of Zyprexa and I couldn’t think straight. Now, it’s just been a while and I have to reacquaint myself with what I was doing and how I was doing it so that I can finish writing them. But… dammit, I keep putting it off and putting it off. Aaaagh!
However, in that “putting it off” I have done a few other things. This last couple weeks my family celebrated Christmas so we drove up to my hometown for that. It was nice! We celebrated Christmas then because that’s when everybody could get together, mostly because my blood brother moved his family into my childhood home so that he can do the ranching life. Ninja, sister-in-law and their children drove up, me and Maus drove up, and we all exchanged gifts. My nephew, whom I had done a stint teaching him Python using PyGame, made me a present hand made! It was this:
View this post on Instagram
We celebrated Christmas this weekend with family. My nephew made this with wax for me, and I love it. I said “You don’t know how much this applies to my life,” and my sister-in-law said “Yes we do!” Feeling loved. Thanks nephew! #handmadewithlove #christmasgift #artwork #feelingloved
And like it says in the instagram embed, I was very pleased with it. Now, when I’m being an anxious butt, I look at this and try to realize that I don’t need to be as anxious as I am… and that maybe I should try coding!
I’ve also been reading. Since my last post I have read The Toynbee Convector, which is a collection of short stories by Ray Bradbury. It even has a short story about an old man’s erection that is remarkably sweet. Only Ray Bradbury. Here is a picture of the copy I had. A friend of my mother’s when I was up there the second to last time gave it to me because she saw me reading a science-fiction book (one of my newer favorites: Roderick) at the fabric store. I liked it, I like old books like this:
I also read Orange: Future, which was the sequel to the Orange anthologies I read earlier by Ichigo Takano. He mentions that there might be a Oragne Volume 7, but I honestly don’t know where else the story could go. It’s pretty wrapped up in the manga produced so far. It’s in this last volume that we finally understand where the title Orange comes from. He says he initially planend for this volume to be the final volume in the anthologies, but it didn’t quite happen that way:
I also read the next two volumes of Waiting for Spring (my guilty Shoujo pleasure) by Anashin. That was fun. But the really interesting manga I read recently was Life of a Highschool Fudanshi:
View this post on Instagram
Finished this Wednesday but forgot to post. This one was a little weird, but okay. A fudanshi is a male “boy love” enthusiast (it’s a genre in Japanese manga.) The Japanese have odd ideas of homosexuality, and it was interesting to see how it was written. #atamimichinoku #fudanshi #thehighschoollifeofafudanshi #boylove #gay #japan #manga
Like it says in the description this is a very “nichey” book. I picked it up because I’m interested in alternative viewpoints and I wanted to see how a Japanese manga artist might tackle this aspect of Japanese (sub-)culture. I wasn’t disappionted. The Japanese seem to have some interesting takes on homosexuality and what “gay” is. Like the one character the author wrote as definitely gay she wrote stereotypically “Japanese” gay. As in, he wants to be a woman, keeps up on all sorts of things like new lipsticks and such, and is good at “womanly” housework like cooking and cleaning. In fact he has a “monthly cross dressing day” as if that’s just a thing gay people do. Well, I’m gay, and I’ve never done that. It’s just funny to see how things are imagined by other cultures sometimes. I learned some new words, not all necessarily safe for work, in Japanese including doujinshi, seme, uke, and moe. All in all, interesting read.
So, I went to the birthday party of my new friend from Art. It was pretty fun, and I actually got to meet quite a few people. That was nice. What was really cool was that I met a younger than me student at CSU who is interested in biology. He was really supportive and seemed to have quite high opinions of Maus and I’s skills. Haha, well, he said that I should get into bioinformatics since I have a knowledge of Python. It was an interesting time, and I hope to talk to him again. It seemed we had several things in common too, which was fun. It was of course, also nice to see my friend from Art.
Anyways, that’s kind of my life as it is right now. My mother is currently ill, I have to clean my oven because it smells when I roast things, I’m applying to retail jobs around Fort Collins and hope I can get my foot in the door at my favorite store, and I’m just puttering along. It seems I need to learn to get over myself and start actually getting some things done if I ever want to live my “best life.” That’s hard to do! But, as the street sweeper in Michael Ende’s Momo says, “One tile at a time…”