So, I’ve been waiting to post because I want the photos I took at Tour de Fat to post. But, I want Maus’ and mine photos together, and Maus has not given me the photos he took yet.
So today at art class, I was a little frustrated. I don’t feel like we were really given enough time after the demonstrations and explanation to really draw our portrait of the model. None of us were finished except the Drawing IV guy. I asked the professor what she wanted us to do with the image, and she said I could develop it at home if I had a picture of the model (which I do). I just don’t feel comfortable turning in what I have on paper now as a piece of my first portfolio. It irritates me a little bit because, like Mrs. Beyea said to me once, I felt set up for failure. You don’t set people up to fail, you set them up to succeed.
I’ve been thinking about things for a while, in the times I haven’t posted. I was thinking about how sometimes I get caught up in this idea that I have to do something in order for life to be acceptable. What I mean is, I obsess about doing something, and getting that thing done that I let other things in life go. I don’t clean the apartment, I don’t do things to take care of myself, I just focus really really hard on one thing. I find myself sometimes sitting then, wishing that life was more finite, that I didn’t have this weight on me. That life could continue, but in reality, I want it to continue exactly how I want.
But, life doesn’t do that. No matter how much you might focus on one particular thing or another, life never continues exactly how you planned. That doesn’t mean that life is worse, or better, it’s just that… you don’t really know where you’re going to be in five years, or ten years (unless, at least in my estimation, you’re boring). When I was eighteen I was asked where I saw myself in five years and I gave one of the most honest replies in my life that turned out to be true. I said, “I have absolutely no idea where I’m going to be in five years because so much can happen between now and then.” And I was right. I had absolutely no idea.
And that was okay. I didn’t get to go to college when I was eighteen… well technically I did, but I had to drop out. Everything kind of put itself upside down, turned the pyramid on its tip. All of a sudden, there was this blank canvas of a life that I had no idea I had. I go through life like that often, I think I have all these things I have to do or weigh on me, but in reality, my life at that point was a blank canvas. I had no expectations, I had no wishes, I had no desires, I had nothing but myself. And in it’s own way, it was wonderful. I was very unhappy at times, but I had put myself in a position others sometimes have to wait half their lives for.
It helped me realize some things. I always wish I could go back and do things differently. If I had known about my future, where I’d be, I would’ve never taken school so seriously. I mean, in a way, it was a bit of a joke that I wasn’t getting the whole time. If I had known about my friends, like if I had known that my girlfriend was keeping other people away from hanging out with me… I would’ve dropped her like a stone. If I had known about a lot of things, I would’ve realized it really didn’t matter what I did then. I could’ve been a normal teenager instead of this sleepless neurotic so invested into everything. I was so invested in everything, my god.
I look back and I think, gosh, if I could just be that age again so that I’d know what I know now. And I realize every time that I wouldn’t have taken some of the things I did so seriously. I wouldn’t have ever listened to Nathan, I would’ve never had him as a best friend because it wasn’t worth it. Maybe, that’s what I have to see now. I think, I wish I was 23 again, but in reality, maybe I have to look at my life now and think, do I have to take this as seriously as I am?