Sometimes I have trouble, well, often I have trouble. I get this thing that’s LIKE an obsession, but isn’t an ‘obsession’. I used to obsess about some pretty messed up stuff, but those days are behind me. I would think about them and constantly react to them emotionally for days, even weeks sometimes.
Now I have the problem of balance. I’m either working on my invention, or working at my job. Then, when I realize I need to spend more time working on things that can make me more immediate money rather than my invention, for if I spent the same amount of time on something else I’d probably get a lot farther, I work on that without distraction.
Take this blog I’ve been working on to launch. It’s a first in a series of new blogs that I’m hoping will generate a little advertising income, as well as provide a service to the community. It’s http://www.furryvideoscentral.com/ I’ve set it up in such a way that it mostly runs itself, which is pretty neat.
But have I cleaned our apartment, kept the kitchen clean, done the laundry, played with the rats enough? I’ve done all three of those things to a degree, but not to the degree necessary. My poor rats, I don’t know what’s wrong with them… I get them things to chew on, or move around, or dig out but they just kind of push everything to the bottom and run around rough-housing or sleeping. When I let them out they want to explore everywhere and everything which is great, but they’re not much cuddlebutts. I had them an appropriate wheel, and moving disc, but they never seemed to understand what to do with it. I don’t know if its because they’re not getting enough outside interaction? I play with them every day, every once in a while they don’t get played with, but I play with them every day giving them at least an outlet. Maybe I need to play with them more.
I digress. When I’m in this ‘working on project’ state, it’s to the exclusion of reality. It’s like I don’t have any balance. I just do the minimum to get other things done, and then work on this thing. It’s almost a state of unreality, like I’m above everything or that everything else is just kind of not important. It gets to me sometimes even, I start to feel restless, don’t know what to do, realize there’s other things to do in life, and have trouble being domestic or desiring to work.
It’s like my used-to-be-friend would say, “We can live with the plans and dreams, it’s the day to day living that kills us.”
I mean, there’s a certain satisfaction with having a clean apartment. I cleaned out our bedroom and it was beautiful, so nice. And there’s a certain satisfaction with making meals, even if they are skillet meals for two or hamburger helper. You can microwave the vegetables. But they take time! Heehee, and sometimes I get so in a mode that I have, or I feel like I have, no time. That if I had to do all these other things it would take up too much time. I have to realize I have to live in the here and now too, not just the plans and dreams.
On another note, I have to go on a sugar cleanse with Maus, but it is SOOOO hard. When we eat, I always want a cookie. Or I have a soda, pre-made or home-made. There’s sugar in everything! I haven’t successfully cleansed for more than 36 hours, which is kind of pitiful. I decided that I needed to do something when my nurse practitioner said I could be at risk for diabetes because my triglycerides are high, which my physician said was because I gained weight. But, of course, with everything I try to do, I’m having a disconnect between desire and implementation.
One thing I did implement was that I stopped going to Starbucks! Yay me! One day I was looking at web hosts because I needed a more powerful host for my new websites and I found one with unlimited bandwidth, unlimited storage, and on a virtual private server (so no limit on entry processes besides what the server can handle, at least that’s how it’s supposed to be) for $50 a month. I thought, “Oh man, that’s so expensive I can’t afford that.” Then it dawned on me.
And I looked at my giant iced coffee I was taking a sip of, and realized, I’d been spending $250 – $300 a month on StarBucks for Maus and myself. I looked at the drink, and then at my screen, and then at the drink, and said, “This is stupid, I could have so many more satisfying things than starbucks coffee every month.”
I bought a coffeemaker the next day.